THE FUTURE PROGRESSIVE

UPDATE: I received this heartfelt email from a "fan": Dear Wannabe Film Maker: Me and a couple of colleagues booked a leave of absence so we could watch your "Mayonnaise" epic, clocking in at 20 minutes of nothing but you stirring an egg in a bowl. Talk about poor judgement! Now we've been fired. There's no recourse for us, but maybe you could edit it down a bit, for the sake of. You know. Mankind. Also, do you know where we can score some good weed? We'll be at the food bank today, just before it closes. Thanks." So I had another go at the edit and I've got it down to 12 minutes - that's seven minutes less. This video is now tauter than a boy soprano's butt cheeks before his Vatican audition. And that's the way (uh-huh uh-huh) you apparently like it (uh-huh uh-huh). Enjoy! ~ What can you do at 62 with an egg yolk and some oil? If you guessed "get a guaranteed seat on the subway", you'd only be partially right. This is the second attempt at this episode, after I forgot to turn the camera on, dropped the yolk in the sink, and watched a large roach stampede by during the first attempt. But if you're into the "gross factor", never fear—I make the mayo while smoking. There's no planning in any of this, you know. None.

In which I find my apartment ransacked, and my camera stolen. What to do? Alicia de Larrocha soothes me and I share the secrets of the Bodum.

Dealing with goofballs requires the ability to mix tahini with water, garlic, something sour, like oneself, and some " 'erbs", and maybe a bit of emotional intelligence. NB.  In the video I say, " 'Vegan mayonnaise' is a contradiction in terms because it uses eggs."  By "it" I mean real mayonnaise uses eggs - this recipe does not use eggs and is completely vegan and so is the "humble" meal. By "humble" I mean a meal by someone who is resentfully, angrily poor and would really rather be eating Chateaubriand for two, by himself, with maybe some Bananas Foster or Crepes Suzette for dessert before driving off, in his Lincoln Continental with opera windows, to the porn shop for some desperate and anonymous, yet public, video booth sex with a few strangers.  Just wanted you to be clear about the vegan-ness.  If it means so much to you, ask an actual vegan, OK? (@you.) This is also the infamous "sniffing" episode, where, having been awakened via goofball, I find myself spontaneously creating an episode before realizing I'm very very sniffly. Once you've watched it countless times in rapt admiration, you'll stop noticing the sniffs, just like Torontonians no longer notice the overhead streetcar cables, anyone named "Ford", or the fact that we're really not New York City because our only "culture" consists of stage musicals based on TV shows, and poutine, which is in fact from Quebec, but we think it makes us look awfully à la mode. FUN QUIZ: When is an apology not an apology? 1. when it is made by a goofball. 2. when it starts, "I'm sorry for what I did but - you MADE ME!" WHAT YOU SHOULD DO: Simply purée your goofball with your Cuisinart Smart Stick - you'll never regret it!

When you're fighting eviction, the simplest solution is to make a meal of your enemy.  It helps that we now have Google Translate, so we can curse them in their native tongue, in this case, Russian. Dear Mr P: May your blinis be always too thick!! Пусть ваши блины всегда будут слишком толстыми  !! Pust' vashi bliny vsegda budut slishkom tolstymi  !! May your wife smell of the gulag and your children have kasha for brains!! Пусть твоя жена пахнет гулагом, а твои дети имеют кашу для мозгов!  Pust' tvoya zhena pakhnet gulagom, a tvoi deti imeyut kashu dlya mozgov! May the sturgeon of your district be always barren and the oysters out of season!! Пусть осетр вашего региона будет всегда бесплодным и устриц вне сезона! Pust' osetr vashego regiona budet vsegda besplodnym i ustrits vne sezona! May you be anally penetrated by a thousand Vladimir Putin's!!! Я желаю, чтобы вы были проникнуты тысячами Владимиром Путиным! YA zhelayu, chtoby vy byli proniknuty tysyachami Vladimirom Putinym! Funnest. Fun. EVERRRRRRR.

You didn’t ask for it, and here it is! Episode 2 of the series that’s making a big splash! If you spend, like, a lot of time in a wading pool with your inflatable shark and a Collector’s Edition “Aqua Diver Barbie”. You’ll see me tussle with a Tassimo, sorry, Bosch, coffee pod maker thingamajig, learn the secrets of buying pastries instead of baking them yourself, and get some insight into the tormented mind of a gadget lover. As well, you’ll hear me get really nervous when Doug starts spouting off about BLM, at which point I try to shut him down by doing a really bad Caribbean accent, so now I’m afraid to leave the house. It’s not a lot of fun being a white, gay, male liberal. Nope. Me and fun just take a gander at each other, sniff and cross to the opposite side of the street. Which means we’re both on the same side again. Just watch the friggin’ video. Sheesh.

Malocchio, malocchio!! Il divertimento non si ferma mai !! as we dance the tarantella down Tomato-Sauce Lane into my roach-infested yet homey Toronto kitchen. The occasion: The very first episode of my putative new series! Whatever "putative" means! You'll learn: * how to make sauce from a pan you used several days ago and didn't wash * the never-before-revealed experts' secrets for correctly pricking your meat * why you should never grab a metal spoon you've left in the sauce for an hour   and so much more! As a special bonus, you'll get to roll your eyes as I miss the crucial plating moment and end up with mis-synch'd audio and video tracks.   Not forgetting that I held the fucking camera the wrong way. Nothing says "I want to be a feature film maker but can't even handle my smart phone" like eight minutes of footage in PORTRAIT MODE!! Anything to make you feel more competent, baby!  Buon appetito!